Vivian was born at a very crazy time in our lives. We had planned her, and she was born the same week Nick was hired and supposed to report to his new job in Washington to start police academy. We had found an 800 sq ft 2 bdrm apartment and a week after Vivi arrived Nick moved to Washington without us. When Vivian turned 2 months we joined Nick in a State we had never been, where we didn't know anyone and it was stressful just to dive to the store.
Warning: I switch between "I" and "me" & "we" and "our" a lot in this post.
We chose not to vaccinate Vivian not because we didn't believe in it, we just felt newborn babies are too pure and tiny so we opted to wait. Candice and Patsey our older girls are both vaccinated.
She developed normally for 18 months, she rolled over at 4 months, sat up at 6 months, crawled by 1 year and walked soon after. Apart from one thing, she NEVER slept through the night, she was normal. I could not figure out why this little precious baby had such a hard time at night. I tried everything, bottle of rice cereal before bed, night time bath with lavender, tickle back, legs etc. I had every known baby sleep helper known to moms, gripe water, teething tablets, apart from putting rum in her bottle (seriously understood why that ever happened lol) I had tried everything. She fell asleep ok, but would never sleep longer then 4-5 hours and she would cry and cry and cry at night.
I tried the "cry it out" and even if she was changed, fed and it was 3 a.m. she would cry for up to 3 hours none stop during the "cry it out" trial which lasted about a week. It was like she didn't need more then 4 hrs of sleep or her body or brain would not understand the night vs day schedule and if she woke in the night she could not self soothe. In her first 2 yrs, she maybe slept through the night 9 to 14 days. I literally remember almost every night she slept all night, I would wake up and the sun would be coming up and Vivi would still be asleep. I would almost cry I would be so happy. I would keep Candice home from school or let her be late because I feared getting her ready for school would wake Vivian on those days.
I was baffled.
I just hit survival mode because Nick was living an hour away from our apartment mon-fri going to police academy for 5 months. There were also a lot of other things going on that took so much of my thought and time, I was not that concerned about her sleeping habits (except lack of sleep was making me a zombie) I figured she would grow out of it.
Between about 18 months and 2 yrs old I saw a definite slow in Vivian's development. She was not even trying to communicate. Usually kids by this age start saying their first words and squealing for recognition and attention. They do the "auh auh auh auh" to ask for something and point at things. She was not doing any of these things.
I figured with 2 caring and doting older sisters she didn't need to try as hard or talk, they did the talking for her. So I wasn't worried about it. She seemed to have normal tired or hungry tantrums up till now.
Then the behavior hit the wall. Almost immediately after she turned 2 the tantrums started to turn into what I call "melt down" mode. In my ignorant view, for no apparent reason, she started throwing these knock down drag out tantrums that came on with out warning.
Side note;
Patsey was intolerant of sugar when she was young and learning and trying new foods. It was so obvious it was sugar, and she reacted behaviorally every time she had sugar from the first time I'd given it to her. We removed it from her diet, and told people she was allergic, and she was fine. I knew every time she had sugar, she would melt down within 20 minutes for 3-4 hours, inconsolable and uncontrolled. Without sugar she was level and controlled and happy for weeks.
Vivian Had been eating all sorts of foods. I had introduced foods to her one at a time, slowly and with full intent in monitoring her reactions and behavior. She had never had a bad reaction allergically or behaviorally. She had been eating all kinds of food for months now. I couldn't figure where these sudden meltdowns where coming from.
She would go into a melt down, and it seemed as though everything after would make it worse. I started feeling as though it was just another "phase" that she would pass through once she started learning to talk and communicate. Nick and I decided we would MAKE her watch us say everything we said to her and sound out words for her. We also decided to ignore her massive tantrums and not respond or give her anything while she was melting down. She would follow me around the house screaming for up to 2 hours. I couldn't just ignore her. I wouldn't know what she wanted, I seemed to just make it worse trying to help her. It was so frustrating and I am sure she was as done with me as I was with her.
A month after she turned 2 we went to Disneyland with both sides of our families. It was the most anxiety stricken, super stressful trip for Nick and I. Thank the lord she did well in the airport and on the plane. She was great until we got to the front gates the next day, in line with about 100 people right outside the happiest place on earth, Vivian had a melt down. I know our anxiety was felt by her and exasperated this melt down, but she literally glazed over and went full blown crazy. People were looking at us like we had the WORST most spoiled kid, and we were the WORST parents around! Some had compassion, and laughed or joked (thank goodness for people like this) but for the most part, even I was wondering why my child who was old enough to understand and reason compared to other 2 year olds, who had slept well, (I remember every full night of sleep and was so grateful for that full night thinking she might have a wonderful day at Disneyland) she had eaten 1 full pancake and some eggs, and nothing I could think of had set her off, yet she was screaming uncontrollably. She didn't want to be held and didn't want to be picked up, she didn't want to move, but didn't want to stay still, she didn't want me and didn't want Nick or anyone else, it was the worst push and pull, this or that, how do I help, I can't drop kick my kid feeling.
This was becoming such a normal thing I began to instead of ask what was wrong with my daughter, ask what was wrong with me. Us women and mothers have this very normal and automatic response to problems in our lives. What was I doing wrong?
This 5 days at Disney was 5 of the most stressful days I have ever spent with my child, and my family. She continued to melt down in every line we waited in, here and there and everywhere. It was unpredictable and madness. After 3 days she did start to be ok in lines, and realize the fun we were having but it seriously took 3 days to get to "normal tantrum" mode.
I then had formulated that this behavior was about control, and her maybe not able to understand reason when she felt uneasy or out of control, which to my current understanding is close to right. She definitely did not have coping skills.
My dad at one point, in the middle of an ensuing melt down, suggested "Brooke, she may be autistic, you should have her looked at." and my stupid prideful reply was offense, "gah! No dad, she's just struggling because she cant communicate what she wants to us, and she has a hard time reasoning because of her lack of communication skills because her sisters talk for her. She'll grow out of it!"
I was so close, and yet SO very far from what was wrong.
The rest of that year, she continued to wake up in the middle of the night, she could not self soothe, she didn't seem to have any coping skills whatsoever. We had so much structure, bedtime, mealtime, snack time, bath time, everything was predictable. Patsey and Candice learned to run away as Vivian's Melt downs became violent and she would go after them. She seemed to be raging inside and we could not help her, she would wake up EVERY morning around 5 or 6 a.m. (even after waking up at 1 a.m. or 3 a.m.) and she would start crying or screaming and come into our bedroom and cry and scream and hit and pull off our blankets until one of us would get up and give her a sippy and rock her or turn on a movie. I was starting to get such bad anxiety about my beautiful little girl every day. I knew something had to give.
I watch Super Nanny on Hulu and tried EVERYTHING Jo said. I was so in denial, and yet so desperate. I thought I would ask my Sister in law, who works with children with disabilities. I asked Chelsey to just watch Vivi and watch our interaction. I was so grateful for her those 2 weeks we where there in Utah and her insight and advise. She gave us new ways to look at the behavior, and new ways to deal with it. She gave us new communication ideas and Vivian was immediately responding positively to these. I saw our salvation in sight also knowing that she would be old enough (3 years) to be evaluated and eligible for the same programs in Washington state when we got home.
In August 2013, I continued to watch parenting help videos, and super nanny. I watched Jo "tackle Autism" and for the first time I saw a family going through what we were, I saw a child that was JUST LIKE MINE, and I started crying. A light went off and I started Googling Autism like a mad woman, and reading and rereading and cross-reading. I had hope that we could stop wondering and surviving and start working.
I think this is a good stopping point. If any clarification is needed please ask in the comments.
No comments:
Post a Comment