a bit of Despair mixed with Blessings

I am beside myself right now in trying to help my little Vivian make sense of what is happening to her as she uncontrollably vomits. I try to say "It's ok, your body will survive this, I know its hard and yucky but I promise you'll be ok." I am saying this over and over, if she could process even my words right now she could feel comfort, while still uncomfortable, she would trust me. Instead its like she thinks she is dying and I am the one killing her. She does not comprehend that I am trying to comfort her, she only seems to feel that every time she starts doing this horrible scary thing she cant control that is even making her choke (as it comes out her nose), she looks at me as if its all my fault and wont let me come near her. Her sensory has shut down, she is in overload and I can't even reason with her to get in the tub (she's covered, hair to toe with vomit). I had to force her into the tub as she screams, scratches, bites, and hits me like I'm a monster. She is struggling choking and screaming as I try to wash her hair out and she is looking at me with the most terrified eyes, its like she thinks I am trying to drown her. She is in survival mode. My poor 3 yr old thinks she is fighting for survival from immediate and imminent danger while its only her own mother trying to help her and comfort her while she is sick.

This is a despair I've never felt before. I am sure its all so much more terrifying to her. At least I know she'll be ok, I just don't know how to comfort her.

She finally wore out after I took her out of the tub, at that point she hugged me as if for the first time since she started vomiting, I was trying to help her instead of hurt her. She clung to me desperately and every time I turned toward the bathroom she would tense up and start to struggle like I was going to try to drown her again. I walked into her room, sat on the bed and rocked her and whispered "your ok, I love you" over and over. Then she fell asleep. I carefully put a pull-up on and laid her down. She is washed, (like a tortured animal) and clean. Her whole bed stripped and in the wash, her mattress covered in towels now, and she is just wrapped in the towel I dried her in.

I came right in to search for info about how to comfort sick autistic children that can not speak yet and I found this.
http://www.autismspeaks.org Ten things every child with autism wishes you knew

What a great article. I am so thankful for the internet and the VAST KNOWLEDGE we have at our fingertips. It is amazing and such a blessing to us as parents and to our children. Vivian needs people around her to read this article and understand were she is coming from because this is her life. No matter if she's Gluten Free, or medicated or educated or accepted or self reliant. If you know someone with autism or an autistic child, read that article. Please.

I had an experience recently were Vivian had a "tantrum" not a melt down in the store. To me, the difference between the two are like heaven vs hell. I'll take a regular 10 min toddler tantrum any day over the incoherent hours of a melt down. I had a full cart of groceries and although this was not the worst of Vivian, I still knew I needed to just drop what I was doing and walk out the door with her to the car. Candice and Patsey automatically follow me and the full cart is left in the aisle.

I buckled her in the carseat and explained to her that she may not stay in the store if she chooses to scream and cry. She calmed down with some repeated deliberate deep breathes (that she recognizes coping skills now is amazing) and then Candice turned on a toddler game for her on the tablet. I had nothing more to grab at the store so I ran back in to check out alone.

As I went through the check out of this quaint small little grocer the check out ladies were chatting among themselves about what seemed to be something shocking. I was unloading the cart and one was shaking her head as she checked another customer out saying "wow...I mean WOW..." The elderly customer was agreeing and the young high school age checker of mine was laughing and said "maybe earplugs would have helped..."

At first I was not sure if they were talking about my child. I just ignored it and waited as she scanned my stuff. Then the other checker said " well at least they had the decency to take the kid out, so we all don't have to listen to it."

I froze and felt my hair stand on end, my face started to flush and I couldn't move. Obviously these ladies do not know that I was the mother of that "crazy kid" or they would have been silent. I also give them the benefit of not knowing that screaming kid has autism. I stood there not sure how to proceed, scared they may call on me next for a comment "did YOU hear that kid?" I was embarrassed and angry and defeated. I felt I should speak up as a million things went through my mind.

"FIRST off that little child is MINE! 2ND how unprofessional to speak like this around customers! 3RD She is a 3 year old kid....you must have never had your own children or been around a toddler before because tantrums HAPPEN to them ALL! FURTHERMORE not that you inconsiderate blankedy blanks care, she has autism and does not distinguish the world around her the same way we do, which at this point I am glad that when she is older if she around people like you, she wont even perceive the rude and ignorant tone of your completely offensive remarks about a little precious child!!!"

But I instead stayed silent. Payed and left without saying a word. I was shaking and I am sure they felt my tension. I couldn't get it out.

I am thankful for the unremarkable lessons my little ginger girl Vivian has taught me in only one short year. I am thankful she has the support she does. I am thankful for the people around us who do not judge her or scoff at her and have understanding for Nick and I as her parents. I love that we are learning new ways to live and learn and get healthy.

Although I feel many people are clipping along in their lives unaware of kids like Vivian and the struggles they go through, I have hope that knowledge can spread and encouragement can replace shame. I hope compassion can replace judgment. Most of all I hope we all can be quiet for a bit and have peace and love within our storms.